The Church of the Profit$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Before the Beginning . . .
On the 12th day of the 10th month in the year 1994 of the Common Era, I created The Church of the Profit$ -- to show local public school officials the absurdity of allowing religious groups to distribute religious documents on public school property with the school's permission. (The above date is when my letter-to-the-editor stating so was printed in the Towanda Daily Review.) If other religious denominations were allowed to proselytize there, I wanted the same privilege. Naturally, I didn't proceed because as expected the school district denied, then curtailed, any such activities, even though there was proof in newspaper notices stating that religious material was being and would continue to be sent home from the public school with the public school students with the school's full knowledge and permission.
Now I'm not against proselytization; religions need new blood to maintain their profit margins, and what good is the fear of God if you don't have anyone to put the fear into. However, I am against using tax funds to support their methods. They can stand on street corners, preach in bars, man the bibles in motels, jump up and down and act ridiculous in airports, or advertise in the papers -- I don't care. They just can't do it in schools that are funded with tax dollars.
In the Beginning . . .
The creation of The Church of the Profit$ was simple. Since the First Amendment of our Constitution guarantees religious freedom, and forbids the state from interfering in legal religious activities, and since my church will not accept any tax exemptions thereby not needing IRS sanction, The Church of the Profit$ came into existence similar to the Biblical claims of Creation in Genesis. "In the beginning", or at least sometime in October '94, I created the Church of the Profit$ -- and it was good. It's still good -- not very profitable, but still good.
Watching and listening to television and radio preachers gave me the idea for the name. These preachers try to save souls by convincing their loyal followers that the only way to salvation is through donations and prayer -- but mostly through donations. Since money seems to play a very important part in salvation, it only seemed natural to call my religion "The Church of the Profit$." Eliminating the praying part saves a lot of resources that could be diverted to donating.
Able to Leap Tall Buildings . . .
Eventually, I realized that my Church needed a leader with an official title, and who also has magical and mystical powers similar to the priests and clerics of the major religions. Because these magical and mystical powers exist only in the minds of the believers, the only accouterments they had that the Church of the Profit$ didn't were leaders with official, legally recognized titles, such as reverend, pastor, vicar, his holiness, the grand wizard, and similar distinctions. And then in a vision, it occurred to me that who better to become the leader of my Church than its founder, me. But I still needed an official title.
The Universal Life Church, based in Modesto, CA, is legally recognized by that state and has been since 1962. Since the U.S. Constitution declares that states must give "full faith and credit" to the laws, records and judicial proceedings of other states, then it seems reasonable to conclude that the ULC is as nationally legal as the Catholic Church, the Baptist Church, the Presbyterians, the Jewish Faith, and others. Also, in its entire history, the ULC has never burned anyone at the stake, or killed or imprisoned anyone for their beliefs or non-beliefs. So it seems that the ULC is much more humanitarian than the others. In addition, their belief requirements are straightforward and simple. They have only one doctrine, "Believe in that which is right." In their own words, "Every person has the right to interpret what is right for themselves, as long as it doesn't interfere with the rights of others." According to their information booklet, their goal is for "a Fuller Life for Everyone"; their objective is "Eternal Progression"; and their slogan is "To Live and Help Live." Beautiful and simple. And they will ordain anyone, without question, without charge. Perfect, since the Profit has yet to make one.
I was ordained into The Universal Life Church on April 14, 1996 and officially and legally became the Reverend John L. Ferri, head of the Church of the Profit$.
Give, and I Shall Receive
The main tenet of The Church of the Profit$ is Truth. You give me money, and I keep it -- similar to most other religions, except I'm honest about it. If you have an overwhelming compulsion to pay for your salvation, then I have an overwhelming moral obligation to take your money and tell you that you're saved. If you give it to other religions, they will thank you, then use that money to influence Republicans to destroy the First Amendment. If you give it to the Profit$, you'll be just as saved. In my opinion, you would be just as saved if you had thrown the money down a rat hole, but then that's only my opinion. Since no one who loves religious freedom wants the First Amendment changed, The Church of the Profit$ as a target for your donations is infinitely better than a rat hole. So, to protect the First Amendment and religious freedom, spare the rat hole and spoil the Profit$.
To be a follower of The Church of the Profit$, you must lead a moral life. But if you drift and sin, you pay. A schedule follows:Little white lies .......... $ 0.50 each, 10 for $4.00 Other lies.................. $ 2.00 each, 10 for $15.00 Big lies.................... $ 5.00 each, 10 for $40.00 Lying to avoid donations.... $100.00 each, no discounts Impure thoughts............. $ 2.00 each, no discounts Impure thoughts with detailed descriptions........ $ 0.50 each, 10 for $4.00 Impure acts.................. $ 5.00 each, no discounts Impure acts (with photos).... $ 2.50 each, 10 for $20.00 Impure acts (with videos).... $ 1.00 each, 10 for $7.50
Other prices are available upon request. E-mail your sin to me, and I'll respond with a quote. To be forgiven, you must do as is written in Matthew 22:19, "Show me the money."
Sacred Ceremonies of the Profit$
Most religions have sacred rituals or ceremonies that are used to celebrate their beliefs. Most pray; some have ritual dances, drinks, or foods. To keep up with the competition, at the Church of the Profit$ an orb has been chosen as the center of its sole ritualistic ceremony. It is passed not more than thrice among pristine celebrants who honor each other with respect and trust. Two groups of celebrants separated by a diaphanous elevated tulle, in turn, control the orb. If control is lost by one group of celebrants, the orb is relinquished to the celebrants across the tulle, who may add to their graces if it was they who originally served the orb. If this ceremony sounds complicated, it is not; it is very similar to the sport of volleyball if played in the nude. Contact Reverend Ferri to arrange orb worship.
Snow Angel Creation
Another sacred ceremony is celebrated during the winter because it requires snow. The celebrants lie back (or face down if the snow is deep enough) to make an impression in the new-fallen snow, then sway their arms and legs to form the typical depiction of an angel. Of course, to assure that the angel is anatomically correct, the celebrants are nude. This is a wonderfully refreshing celebration, but it is recommended that a sauna or hot tub be nearby. Contact Reverend Ferri to arrange an angel creation ceremony.
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