Welcome to the wonderful world of
Mr. Alexander.
Sonya Joye - first daughter
You were the first
My beginning step to immortality
It may not always bring you joye
But it does to me.
You were the first
And all the little things that you see in someone second
I laughed at first in you.
I cried at first in you.
You were there but may not remember
The winter cuddle nights
And summer starry skies.
You may not remember the first pet
But I do
You may not recall the first step or tooth
But I do
You may think I wasn't there with you
But you were always there with me
You may feel that I missed a lot
But I always knew what I was missing.
And hated it with all the hate I had
As hard as it was for you to be without me
It was much harder for me to be without you.
For I was your absent daddy
But you were my first born miracle
As frightened as you may have been without me in your life
I dreamed of the day when we would be together again.
As unimportant as those very early years may have been to you,
They were all I had for 10 long years.
And as the years went by and the pain passed, at least for me........
And the time came
When you were bigger and noticed my absence more
All I noticed was your increasing prescence.
I buried the pain of past years
(probably I didn't like the guilt)
I always felt that I had done my best
I loved your mother
I left you with someone who would,
Above all things,
Love you,
And she always knew where I was.
I never was good with cards, and such
I was good at love
Without question, without doubt
I was good at feeling, at believing in you.
I knew you were safe and loved
And I kept my space to give space to my family
I left room for them to grow
Even in the pain of not being a part of it.
I didn't know then what we both know now
I didn't have the insight to weigh the decisions I made
I didn't want to be without you,
But, in truth,
I didn't want to be without your mother either.
But we were all young,
All three of us
And we all made mistakes.
You wet your bed and I broke your heart.
They're both mistakes
And we both wish now
That they hadn't happened.
And now
The years have gone by
And you still carry the pain.
I cannot make the pain pass
And neither can the one who is second
When I was young and frequently foolish
I got many things wrong
You weren't one of them
As I got older and wiser I got some things right....
We were one of them.
Don't carry the pain
My looks for her and hers for me are golden
But they are second times for me although first times for her.
She is not pained by my firsts with you.
By the pictures and memories and
Conversations of the past.
She is perhaps luckier than you,
In many ways.
She, hopefully will never feel that pain
Although she will feel others.
We can waste so much precious time
On regrets and past whatifs
I will love my daughters
both
With all my being
I will love my daughters
Both
With all I crave
I will never replace the past
And I can only regret
The effects of actions long gone.
But I did the best that I could.
And I always will.
You were my first, and you will always be.
I learned what to do
And what not to do.
I learned to love
And regret
I learned to gain
And to lose
I learned responsibilty
For people and for feelings
For actions and inactions
I learned why people stay together
And why they sometimes don't
And what those things cost.
And all of those things
You taught me.
You with your toothless grin
And magic smile.
You never left me,
My darling first child.
And I left many things
But you were never one of them.
And so now,
As you live your newly married life
Be happy
My precious young seed.
Grow strong and true
And try to learn from what has gone before
For avenues which may appear to be
Dead end streets
Often have different exits
Than we can see
At the time.
But if fate should one day find you having to choose
Between hurt and freedom
Self pain or inflicted pain
Growth or gentleness
Remember that the price you pay
Either way
May not be fully apparent
At the time.
So
Take your best shot
And make your best choice
For you
At that time.
It's all you can do.
And when the day comes
When you have to pay the price
Just pay it
And hope that the pain passes.
And when that day comes
(and I hope that it never does)
You may gain some understanding
And you may lose some of your past pain
And the shadow between us may finally fade.
Until then I will feel no guilt
For the love that I show
To either of my children
And if that causes you pain
Then you will have to find
Some way to grow past it
I cannot help you
Save but to love you
In every way that I know how.
If this piece sounds callous or uncaring
Or does not directly address
The very real issues of pain
Which seem so often to come between us
It is not that I am trying to hide from them
Or discounting their darkness.
It is just that
In life, as in love,
Mistakes and tragedies happen.
We are often placed in the dilemma
Of attempting to
Amend/rectify/pay for/absolve
Diminish/defend/avoid
I have learned that
These things are not the answer
I am pleased that you have,
So early in life
Learned to move past your mistakes
And not carry guilt for the natural human errors
Of your youth.
I am proud that you understand
That clocks cannot be turned back.
And so if I seem to be a better friend,
Than a father
Then let's be glad for that.
On one hand you should hear this
In an expanded version,
From my mouth -
And you will.
But, on the other hand,
I wanted you to have these words
For ever.
I love you, little princess
I always have.....And I always will..
And I will always be here
For whatever you need.
If you found any of these pieces educational or at least amusing, drop a note of encouragement to
and maybe more such pieces will appear....
and
Remember to hug your Kids
To return to the DAD2DAD main page
To return to the Mr. Alexander main page
| This Inner Zine site is owned by Mr. Alexander. Want to join the Inner Zine? |
|---|