Welcome to the wonderful world of
Mr. Alexander.
MICHAEL
WARNING
This piece contains the "F" word,
It occurs only once.
I tried to find an inoffensive substitute,
but could not.
To the Families and Friends
of
Michael Agee
and to his memory.
It has long been my faith, in life, that there is
nothing that is "all bad", and no-one that is "all good".
Watching my friend Michael fight his current battle comes very close
to refuting that faith.
I have known no-one who has come closer to "all good".
That doesn't mean easy, or moral
(although he is often both of those)
or even particularly pleasant all the time.
He has, as Bacall once said of Bogart,
"A fastidious sense of casualness"
I have known him both well and long
He remains the only person in my life
with whom I have never fought - whom I have never resented.
He has almost, after all this time, won his personal battle to be
normal.
Not average, mind you, certainly not average
but to have his life and longings be recognized
as normal - as natural as the crackle of summer lightning.
For all of his life he has wanted only to grab life
by the waist and dance with it -
laughing and sobbing with the sheer energy of it's fullness
and he wants that sense
to be normal -
for everyone to have the charmed and fulfilling existence
that he has always wanted to have.
It is not the truths in one's life that dictate the fates - but rather the secrets.
They steer one away from the calm in life
and they make it very uncomfortable.
Secrets cause chasms between people
who otherwise should be joined at the soul.
And secrets eat away at ourselves, and at our very sense of who we are.
After years and years, life's secrets can not simply be forgot
or really forgiven......
But they can be shelved,
to be dealt with in days of greater strength and understanding.
In the time of this devastating battle, when the secrets are all out,
the greatest fight of them all is to shelve the pain caused by
"used to be secrets".
There is no time now for old resentments.
this is the time to use every weapon at our disposal
and the strength created by togetherness
is the most potent by far.
The enemy now may well be the one thing in the world
that is "all bad".
Oh Christ, what devilish trick is this.
What twisted mutant of nature brought this plague on our youth
and on our dreams.
How in hell's name DARE it threaten my friend.
How FUCKIN' Dare It.
I am incensed at the NERVE, at the ALACRITY,
At the sheer unmitigated balls of this disease
that it would dare to challenge the life of a man
who lives it so fully.
It had it's time at first - before we knew -
when it was someone else's disease.
It had it's time before we were on our guard and committed to the fight.
It had it's time - and it blew it.
We know now - we are armed and educated now - we hear the clocks now -
The days of ambush are past and now it's our turn.
If this creeping holocaust needs despair, anger, ignorance and fear
upon which to feed and grow
it will not win here!!
If it needs dark and stale rooms of lonely people
sick with embarrassment and weak with remorse
it will need be elsewhere than here!!
We will fight it
with our sunshine and daylight and crisp fresh air;
with our laughter and our candor and our anger;
with music and smiles and understanding;
with our generosity of time and spirit;
with small glances and knowing nods;
with good foods and caring attention.....
with the confidence of inevitable victory.
So gather us,
families and friends of Michael.
Unite us to the resolution that each day
we will apply ourselves to the fight.
We will cherish him in our thoughts and encourage him by so doing.
We will call him and harass him, to let him know that
we believe that we can win
We will, whenever possible, hold him in our arms
and tell him that he is much loved
and much missed already from his chosen place
at the controls of the great ferris wheel of life.
We will use every ounce of strength in our souls
To bring peace to his tormented body
calm to his sleeping and comfort to his waking.
We will do this from this day forward
because he is our son and our brother, our lover and our friend
because he is almost "all good"
because he deserves us and because we deserve him.
but mostly and simply because
there - but for fortune - go each of us.
And if the day comes sooner then we wish,
when we unite to honor his passing
we will do so with the knowledge that no battle was left unfought
and, with the boisterous decency and playful grace
that his life has bequeathed to all of us,
we will toast his temporary absence and his eternal presence
and he will be finally free to be normal
and will live forever, that way, in our hearts.
My fondest regards
to any who might see or hear
these thoughts and wishes.
I sat down to write this to try to bring solace to anyone who may be in need.
To let them know that they, and we, are not alone in this terrible fight
I ended up just typing - it really wrote itself.
TO MY BELOVED FRIEND
IT IS APPARENT TO ME
THAT YOU NO LONGER HAVE MUCH TIME FOR PAIN
AND I MUST SAY THAT I AM PLEASED TO HEAR
YOU STILL HAVE THE CONTROL TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.
I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART THAT I COULD BE THERE WITH YOU
AND SOMEHOW MAKE IT RIGHT
BUT I CANNOT.
I WANT TO SAY THESE THINGS TO YOU
WHILE YOU CAN ENJOY THE WARMTH.
I'LL REMEMBER YOUR LAUGH, MY BROTHER.
I'LL REMEMBER YOUR TENDER HEART AND YOUR SHARP MIND.
I'LL REMEMBER YOUR WONDER AND WISDOM
YOUR LIFE AND LUNACY.
AT OUR AGE IT IS NO LONGER UNUSUAL
TO BID ADIEU TO LONG TIME FRIENDS,
BUT WITH YOU AND ME IT'S A LOT DIFFERENT.
I'LL GET BY WITHOUT YOU.....BUT I WON'T LIKE IT.
I WON'T LIKE IT, EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
WHEREVER YOU MAY GO FROM HERE
DON'T BE AFRAID, DON'T BE SAD.....
AND AS YOU LOOK DOWN ON US LEFT BEHIND.
THINK KINDLY OF US, KNOW THAT WE MISS YOU -AND LOVE YOU
AND KNOW THAT WE'LL ALL GET THERE , SOONER OR LATER.
I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN
WITHOUT YOU IN IT. - AND I DON'T WANT TO.
I SIMPLY LOVE YOU MICHAEL,
STAY AS LONG AS YOU CAN....BUT WHEN IT'S TIME
MOVE ON TO THE NEXT RIDE.
AND TAKE WITH YOU ALL THE LOVE YOU'LL EVER NEED TO CARRY
FROM ALL OF US WHO'S LIFE WAS MADE SO MUCH BETTER
AND SO MUCH MORE FUN.
BECAUSE YOU WERE A PART OF IT AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.
I WILL NOT HURT WHEN YOU PASS ON
I WILL BE SAD FOR A WHILE
AND I'LL DRINK TO YOUR PASSING TO A HAPPIER PAINLESS PLACE.
I LOVE YOU, BROTHER.
P.S. IF YOU DON'T LEAVE - BURN THIS LETTER
AND I DIDN'T MEAN A WORD OF IT.
YOU WERE ALWAYS A PAIN IN THE ASS
I HAVE THIS TO SAY ABOUT MY LONG TIME FRIEND
ON THE OCCASION OF HIS PASSAGE TO THE NEXT PLANE.
FOR MANY MONTHS I HAVE BEEN ANGRY AT HIS DISEASE,
AT THE TOLL THAT IT HAS TAKEN ON HIS LIFE
AND THE LIVES OF THOSE NEAR AND DEAR TO HIM.
I AM NO LONGER ANGRY AT HIS DISEASE.
IT, AFTER ALL, IS JUST A MINDLESS MICROBE
THAT FOUND A REAL NEAT PLACE TO BE.
I CAN'T BLAME IT FOR HANGING AROUND
ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.
(HELL....I HUNG AROUND HIM FOR YEARS, MYSELF).
I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR HIM ANYMORE,
HE GETS TO LEAVE A ROTTING BODY IN PAIN
AND WATCH US FROM A MUCH BETTER PLACE.
I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE OF US WHO KNEW HIM HERE,
BECAUSE WE GOT TO KNOW HIM WHEN HE WAS HERE.
MOSTLY, IT'S ALL OF THOSE WHO DIDN'T GET TO MEET HIM
THAT I FEEL THE MOST SYMPATHY FOR.
HE WAS A SCREAMER, A GREAT GAUNT PRIZE PRINCESS,
HE WAS FUN EMBODIED IN A HANDSOME LANK.
HE COULD SMILE LIKE THE SUN AND LAUGH TO BEAT THE BAND.
HE WAS EASY AND SLEAZY AND DIGNIFIED AND PROUD.
HE HAD COURAGE AND CLASS AND STRANGE TASTE IN LOVERS,
(BUT GENERALLY GREAT TASTE IN FRIENDS).
HE WAS OPEN AND HONEST AND SCARED FOR MUCH OF HIS LIFE.
HE WORKED HARD AND LONG
AND SPENT HIS MONEY AND TIME BOTH WISELY AND FOOLISHLY.
HE LOVED HIS FAMILY, EVEN WHEN IT WAS HARD TO DO SO.
HE UNDERSTOOD THEIR CONFUSION
SYMPATHIZED WITH THEIR PAIN
AND ALWAYS HELD THEM CLOSE IN HIS HEART.
HE WAS, IN SHORT, A MAN. ... A GOOD MAN - A DAMN GOOD MAN.
HE WAS NOT A PERFECT MAN. ... BUT HE WAS A PERFECT FRIEND,
AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
I'M SORRY FOR THOSE THAT MISSED HIM.
I PRAY THAT THEY WILL BE LUCKY ENOUGH
TO FIND, SOMEDAY, SUCH A PERFECT FRIEND OF THEIR OWN.
If you found any of these pieces educational or at least amusing, drop a note of encouragement to
and maybe more such pieces will appear....
and
Remember to hug your Kids
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