Taurus (April 20-May 20) Well now, so much for brute force and ignorance. I tried to warn you Taureans.. but again, no-one listens. After all, look what happened to Tyrone Power.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) Always dread this sign.. always. These folks are the backbone of society which means they can take us anywhere, and if they fall down so do we. It's too much damn power, I say.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) A'right.. listen up crustaceons.... this is your year.. starting 'bout now 'til this time next year, you can do nothing wrong - no harm will befall you.. catch speeding bullets in your bra, dive headlong from tall buildings.. you will suffer no ill. tell your boss/hubby/wife/kids/lover/dog to take a similar flying leap and all will STILL be well. Win the lottery, catch the bouquet, wink at the blonde at the bar, run for president of the opera society... YOU WILL WIN. Take a fishin' hint and GO FOR IT. (the above advice does not apply to George W. Shrub.. reign it in shrubby, you're in too deep, and without a swim partner.)

Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Oh the time will come up when the winds will stop... and the breeze will cease to be breathin' just like the stillness in the wind before the hurricane begins the hour that the ship comes in.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Hey Virgos...It's Autumn...time to begin redecorating the living room... Spring may be time to finish it.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) Scales.. it's about balance... equality.... even steven sorta thing. Libran's like matching bedside cabinets, matching bedside lamps... it can get a little loopy after a while. They mean well, but don't wear odd socks.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) I warned ya about electing that Shrub guy, now didn't I.

 

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) What is this damn guy hunting for anyway? Capricorns? It'll never fly Orville.

Capricorn(Dec 22-Jan 19) Capricorn..... I know two of them, possibly more. Reticent aggressiveness is a major part of their basic make-up. So take a tip, cappers...wear less make-up.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) 2003 will make a big difference to Aquis. It might take 'em a while to acclimate but light the blue touch paper and stand well back.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20) Dual personalities make for dangerous bedfellows - be warned, Osama is a pisces, but then again, so was Wyatt Earp.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19) where the hell was summer this year... it's fall already.

If ya don't like these Horoscopes... try some old ones here.

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